Safer Dating

Monday, March 1, 2004

(NAPSA)—Safer dating means more than physical safety. There’s your emotional safety to consider. You need to create and maintain a relationship that encourages feelings of being protected, nurtured. Here are hints on how: * Use discretion when sharing stories about yourself. You might not want to tell about “mooning” the high school principal until you know whether your partner would find this amusing. You may also want to avoid stories about past relationships. Wear something comfortable that makes you feel good about yourself. Wearing your smallest pants will not change your weight on the date. * Create realistic expectations. Think before you act on your feelings. Use commonsense so you don’t say or do something in the heat of the moment you'll regret later. Create an environment for healthy communication. Even if you are highly compatible, at some point there will be a misunderstanding or disagreement. Avoid disrespecting your partner. It will only backfire. No matter how angry or hurt, refrain from cutting him or her off. Instead, take five minutes to cool off, even if you haveto say, “I need to take a break from this before I get too angry.” State what you need. Ask what they can give. This avoids blame, an ineffective way to resolve issues. Rather than “You didn't call—you don’t care,” try “In the future—can you call me if you’re running late or have to cancel. If you don’t get me, leave a voice mail. Otherwise, I worry some- thing happened to you.” No raising voices, screaming or yelling. No namecalling. Don’t make critical remarks about yourself or your partner. PHYSICAL SAFETY—ONLINE AND OFF All methodsof meeting people you do not know (online, bars, work, blind dates, efc.) pose an element ofrisk that can be reduced byusing commonsense and this safety checklist: Donot give out yourreal name, address, place of employmentor phone numberuntil you have met the person and feel comfortable about whothey are. e Use e-mail first fo establish contact and receive a reply. Use chat rooms for yourfirst “date.” Get a goodfeeling aboutthe person before meeting. Request a picture. This serves as a meansof identification. Avoid suggestive language and jokes. Convey your wit abouttopics that really matter. Make yourfirst meeting af a well-lit public place like a coffee shop. Lunch is also a great venue.At the end of your first meeting, if you feel good aboutthe other person, then you can decide if you want to give them your real identity and exchange phone numbers. When going out on a date, always tell someone: whom you're going out with, their number, yourcell number, where you're going and your estimated time of return. If possible, carry a cell phone, coins for a pay phone andtaxi money. This safety checklist was created with help from Bill Rathburn, a security expert with more than 30 years oflaw enforcement service, induding as deputy chief ofpolice in Los Angeles and a memberofthe TRUEBeginnings™ Advisory Board. Refrain from profanity. Respect and kindness are of paramount importance. No interrupting. This is exceptionally challenging when emotions run high. If you need to, take a break. Your partner is more likely to “hear” you when you talk if you listen in return. * Validate that you’re listening, especially when discussing volatile subjects, because it’s easy to let emotions dominate and focus on what you’re going to say, not what your partneris trying to tell you. Repeat what they said in your own words, e.g. “I think what I heard you say is that you were hurt when I didn’t call and cancel our date, andit left you confused and wondering how I felt about the relationship,” and then add your comments, without being defensive. No “Kitchen sinks.” Stick with topics relevant to the discussion. Don’t let past arguments creep in—or worse, old resentments you nevervoiced. Ask for forgiveness—don’t say you're sorry. This is one of the best techniques for resolving an issue. If you ask for forgiveness, your partner must reach the place where he or she can honestly say “yes” and meanit. Accept an apology and be done with it. If you’re not ready to accept an apology, say you need time to considerit. If you have an interest in rebuilding intimacy, take the initiative after you have spent the time, tell your partner “yes, I forgive you” and move on. This advice comes from the experts at TRUEBeginnings”, an online relationship-building service established to help singles in the U.S. find a compatible partner with whom they can establish a meaningful and successful relationship. Because it believes the most important factor for such a relationship is compatibility, the company invests millions of dollars in research and developmentto create its TRUE Compatibility Test”, a proprietary patent-pending analysis and its TRUE Compatibility Index”, which helps members discover themselves as well as find compatible partners. In addition, it’s the only site that offers members peace of mind with criminal background screening for all communicating members. You can learn more online at www.true beginnings.com.

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